Today I spent the majority of the day in the city with my father, doctor's appointments for his condition. First the leukemia doctor, then the vascular surgeon. I could see the worry in his eyes, the tired fear of the news getting worse or more complicated. I kept him laughing, made jokes to ease the apprehension as best as I could, while keeping my own worry securely at bay. I love my father so much, and it breaks my heart for his mind to be so cumbersome with worry.
I could talk noncomittally about the terrible food choices I made today, but I really don't feel like it. Food is comfort, and I know in part that's the bigger problem. It's all about satisfaction, instant gratification. Maturity is defined as the delaying of instant gratification, and by all intents and purposes I am nothing more than a spoiled child.
I like the word "tomorrow." I use it all the time in dieting and weight loss. It's as mythical as the goal itself; "I will start tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a new beginning." But tomorrow doesn't really exit, and it never really comes. I live the same long day endlessly on an exhausting repeat. I'm driven to insanity by my own constant repetition with expectation for a different outcome.
When I hear a song I am fond of, I have to live the song, play it endlessly. The words become ingrained in my memory through my constant repetition. The feeling I get, it's just...comfort. Pleasure. I am addicted to the satisfaction of things I find pleasurable. Instant gratification. If I could learn the key to its delay, I could learn the key to unlock my ability to successfully lose weight.
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