Today I spent the majority of the day in the city with my father, doctor's appointments for his condition. First the leukemia doctor, then the vascular surgeon. I could see the worry in his eyes, the tired fear of the news getting worse or more complicated. I kept him laughing, made jokes to ease the apprehension as best as I could, while keeping my own worry securely at bay. I love my father so much, and it breaks my heart for his mind to be so cumbersome with worry.
I could talk noncomittally about the terrible food choices I made today, but I really don't feel like it. Food is comfort, and I know in part that's the bigger problem. It's all about satisfaction, instant gratification. Maturity is defined as the delaying of instant gratification, and by all intents and purposes I am nothing more than a spoiled child.
I like the word "tomorrow." I use it all the time in dieting and weight loss. It's as mythical as the goal itself; "I will start tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a new beginning." But tomorrow doesn't really exit, and it never really comes. I live the same long day endlessly on an exhausting repeat. I'm driven to insanity by my own constant repetition with expectation for a different outcome.
When I hear a song I am fond of, I have to live the song, play it endlessly. The words become ingrained in my memory through my constant repetition. The feeling I get, it's just...comfort. Pleasure. I am addicted to the satisfaction of things I find pleasurable. Instant gratification. If I could learn the key to its delay, I could learn the key to unlock my ability to successfully lose weight.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Day Two
==2am==
I hate to start with Day One, because Day One always seems to be the hardest to get through. Yesterday I kicked some major ass at the gym. I was so lost in my music and my ultra-sweating that I hardly realized two hours had gone by. I felt amazing.
So, you know, I rewarded myself with a date and a hot fudge sundae.
Time and again I sabatoge my efforts, and I'm not quite sure why. Maybe it's in part because I believe it won't ever really happen -- that ideal of achieving perfection, of becoming "skinny." But I think the problem too is I have to start looking at the physical, and start focusing on the actual. My health. My future.
Preclusive: To make impossible, as by action taken in advance; prevent.
I need to take preventative measures now to prevent future health problems. My parents both struggle with diabetes and hypertension, and with my father's kidney disease, I need to do everything in my power now to prevent myself from going through the same. Consulting with people in my health profession, everyone is reccomending a vegetarian lifestyle.
From DaVita's Website:
" Plant sources alone can provide high quality protein and adequate amounts of essential amino acids, if a variety of plant foods are consumed daily and energy needs are met.
Vegetarian diets may help slow down the progression of kidney disease without compromising nutritional needs. High [animal] protein consumption has long been shown to potentially have harmful effects on the kidney in those with pre-existing kidney disease.
The American Dietetic Association’s position on vegetarian diets states, “appropriately planned vegetarian diets are healthful, nutritionally adequate and provide health benefits in the prevention and treatment of certain diseases.”
I'm not a big meat-eater anyway, so I don't think this will be all that difficult. Except bacon. I LOVE bacon. I mean seriously, bacon is great. But a healthy future would be great, too. I love the thought of veganism, but it seems a bit too radical. You can't build Rome in a day, and I can't change 23 years of damage to my body overnight. But I'm gonna do my best to start somewhere. So here's to Day Two!
==11:30am==
So far for breakfast I've had Naked's "green machine" smoothie, and for lunch I just had a greek yogurt with a handful of Special K's Fruit&Yogurt cereal. Not terrible, but too much sugar. I learned recently that you're only supposed to have 25 grams of sugar per day....Pretty sure I average that per meal/snack/hour. That's gunna be a tough change, but I think one that would result in a significant difference. For dinner, that's where I seem to fall apart. That's when my "salt tooth" flares, and I crave fries or fried chicken or..something hot and salty. What will I have tonight. Maybe if I plan it out now, I will be more successful. I will be decisive in my actions! Tonight for dinner, I will have....uh.... hmm...
::this has been a fifteen minute thought process::
..I will have some kind of vegetable! :D
-_- lol. I'm so indecisive.
==9pm==
Well, I had a vegetable for dinner....
...potato is a vegetable, right? The fried delicious, french kind?
*sigh*
I'll get the hang of this one of these days. I didn't go overboard, but I wish I had chosen something healthier. I'm just a terrible decision maker when it comes to food.
Tomorrow I'm going to be spending the day in the city with my father for his doctor appointments. Every time I go with him to the city on these excursions, I end up getting sick from whatever I eat! I hope I'm more successful tomorrow. Maybe if I plan it now. I'm torn on how much fruit I should be eating, in regards to sugar content. Fruits are very high in sugar, and in relation to the "25 grams of sugar per day," I wonder if this is applying to fruit-sugars as well. I think fruits should be a free-bee. But I think chocolate chip cookies should be a free-bee as well, so I guess my thinking is a little flawed.
Well, I worked 4am to 3pm, went to school 6pm to 9pm, and ate three small-portioned, semi-decent meals. It was an exhaustingly long day, and I don't think tomorrow is gunna be much better with these appointments. But I will do my best. I might weigh-in tomorrow morning. I'll figure it out upon rising from my slumber. But for now, I must slumber. Good night!
Preclusively,
Bre.
I hate to start with Day One, because Day One always seems to be the hardest to get through. Yesterday I kicked some major ass at the gym. I was so lost in my music and my ultra-sweating that I hardly realized two hours had gone by. I felt amazing.
So, you know, I rewarded myself with a date and a hot fudge sundae.
Time and again I sabatoge my efforts, and I'm not quite sure why. Maybe it's in part because I believe it won't ever really happen -- that ideal of achieving perfection, of becoming "skinny." But I think the problem too is I have to start looking at the physical, and start focusing on the actual. My health. My future.
Preclusive: To make impossible, as by action taken in advance; prevent.
I need to take preventative measures now to prevent future health problems. My parents both struggle with diabetes and hypertension, and with my father's kidney disease, I need to do everything in my power now to prevent myself from going through the same. Consulting with people in my health profession, everyone is reccomending a vegetarian lifestyle.
From DaVita's Website:
" Plant sources alone can provide high quality protein and adequate amounts of essential amino acids, if a variety of plant foods are consumed daily and energy needs are met.
Vegetarian diets may help slow down the progression of kidney disease without compromising nutritional needs. High [animal] protein consumption has long been shown to potentially have harmful effects on the kidney in those with pre-existing kidney disease.
The American Dietetic Association’s position on vegetarian diets states, “appropriately planned vegetarian diets are healthful, nutritionally adequate and provide health benefits in the prevention and treatment of certain diseases.”
I'm not a big meat-eater anyway, so I don't think this will be all that difficult. Except bacon. I LOVE bacon. I mean seriously, bacon is great. But a healthy future would be great, too. I love the thought of veganism, but it seems a bit too radical. You can't build Rome in a day, and I can't change 23 years of damage to my body overnight. But I'm gonna do my best to start somewhere. So here's to Day Two!
==11:30am==
So far for breakfast I've had Naked's "green machine" smoothie, and for lunch I just had a greek yogurt with a handful of Special K's Fruit&Yogurt cereal. Not terrible, but too much sugar. I learned recently that you're only supposed to have 25 grams of sugar per day....Pretty sure I average that per meal/snack/hour. That's gunna be a tough change, but I think one that would result in a significant difference. For dinner, that's where I seem to fall apart. That's when my "salt tooth" flares, and I crave fries or fried chicken or..something hot and salty. What will I have tonight. Maybe if I plan it out now, I will be more successful. I will be decisive in my actions! Tonight for dinner, I will have....uh.... hmm...
::this has been a fifteen minute thought process::
..I will have some kind of vegetable! :D
-_- lol. I'm so indecisive.
==9pm==
Well, I had a vegetable for dinner....
...potato is a vegetable, right? The fried delicious, french kind?
*sigh*
I'll get the hang of this one of these days. I didn't go overboard, but I wish I had chosen something healthier. I'm just a terrible decision maker when it comes to food.
Tomorrow I'm going to be spending the day in the city with my father for his doctor appointments. Every time I go with him to the city on these excursions, I end up getting sick from whatever I eat! I hope I'm more successful tomorrow. Maybe if I plan it now. I'm torn on how much fruit I should be eating, in regards to sugar content. Fruits are very high in sugar, and in relation to the "25 grams of sugar per day," I wonder if this is applying to fruit-sugars as well. I think fruits should be a free-bee. But I think chocolate chip cookies should be a free-bee as well, so I guess my thinking is a little flawed.
Well, I worked 4am to 3pm, went to school 6pm to 9pm, and ate three small-portioned, semi-decent meals. It was an exhaustingly long day, and I don't think tomorrow is gunna be much better with these appointments. But I will do my best. I might weigh-in tomorrow morning. I'll figure it out upon rising from my slumber. But for now, I must slumber. Good night!
Preclusively,
Bre.
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